You might be a redneck if...

[Editor's note: We at "Digital Beest" (copyright 2004, Nib Communications, a division of Mega Corp, LLC) do not in any fashion condone the use of alcohol or other drugs, legal or otherwise, unless such use is specifically directed by qualified medical personel or a cute member of the oppisite sex. The content of this post is soley the responsibility of the author, and as such, we will forward all commentary we recieve about this post to /dev/null. Furthermore, no animals were injured in anyway during the making of this post, although not for a lack of trying.] I was home sick today, lying on the couch, trying to take a nap in the afternoon sun. tap tapity tapTap Tap TAPITY "Ig. Nore. The. Cat." TAPITY TAPITY BANG So I got up. Looked around. No cat. No sign of cat. Maybe cat is innocent. Nah... maybe pigs fly when I'm not looking, but none of my cats are innocent, even when they didn't do it. Bangity tapity bang... TaptapBANG Hmmmm. Mystery deepens as sound comes from outside house. Must prepare sick self for journey outside by covering pate with hat. Nearest hat choices: straw cowboy hat; blaze orange stocking hat. Remove fashion sense, choose stocking hat for warmth. Go outside. Look at house. Look at hoary woodpecker drilling on house. Go back inside. Grit teeth. Console self with knowledge that bird is destrying house before insects can. BANGITY BANG BTAPITY TANGTAP Go to kitchen, retrieve empty beer can. Go back outside. Crumple beercan on forehead. Wing crushed beer can at bird. Shake fist in air. Shout, "Piss off, you pecker!" Go back inside. Lay down. Eye lids heavy. Breath slowing. tapity taptap